New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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