we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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