There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
