We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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