I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
