My first STD was from a foam party
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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