i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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