96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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