it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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