I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
