I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How drunk are you?
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