There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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