There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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