when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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