i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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