Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
