I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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