i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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