I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
