My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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