I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
