you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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