I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
