Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
