did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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