if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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