Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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