Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
