I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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