If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
