I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
