well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Girls should come with a carfax report
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
