Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
