its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
