Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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