So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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