Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
