Even the bartender felt bad for me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
