She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
