so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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