I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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