I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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