I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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