I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
