how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
