I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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