Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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