My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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