I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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