i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
